How to Rebuild Trust After an Affair

I get asked this question often in my practice: "How do I get over the pain of betrayal?"

We have all felt the sting of betrayal at some point, but infidelity cuts deeper than almost any other emotional pain. It shatters the foundation of a relationship. If you are reading this, maybe you are in the thick of it right now. I want you to know that healing is possible, but it is a journey.

In my experience, rebuilding trust requires six key things.

1. Give It Time There is a direct correlation between the depth of the betrayal and the time it takes to heal. If you’ve been married for 20 years, you can’t expect to fix 20 years of damage in a month. It might take years to get back to where you were. Patience is non-negotiable.

2. Transparency is Mandatory If you are the one who strayed, you must be an open book. Passwords, locations, checking in—it’s all part of the deal now. You cannot get resentful when your partner checks your phone. You lost the right to privacy when you broke their trust.

3. Consistency is Key Think of this like parole. There are new rules, and you have to follow them perfectly. You don’t get a "do-over" anymore. Consistency over time is the only thing that proves you are safe again.

4. True Remorse Apologizing isn't enough. You can’t be truly remorseful until you understand the depth of the pain you caused. You have to sit with your partner, listen to their hurt, and let it sink in until you can honestly say, "I get it. I hurt you, and I am so sorry."

5. Repentance True remorse leads to true repentance—a sincere commitment to never do it again.

6. Forgiveness This comes last. Trust has to be rebuilt first. Eventually, both partners have to forgive—the cheater must forgive themselves to shed the shame, and the betrayed must forgive to let go of bitterness.

This is a tough road, but it can be done.