Stop the Fighting: 4 Ways to Make Your Relationship Struggles More Civil

We’ve all been there. You walk through the door, see the socks on the floor again, and suddenly, a simple request turns into a shouting match. Before you know it, someone is sleeping on the couch.

I’ve been thinking a lot about "communication breakdown." It’s a phrase we hear often, but what does it really look like? I like to think of our relationships like a car. Over time, without proper maintenance, the daily wear and tear—buying a house, raising kids, job stress—causes things to erode. If we aren't careful, that engine is going to stall.

But often, the breakdown happens in those small, heated moments I call Feedback Loops.

Imagine I say something to my partner. It’s not just the words I use; it’s my tone, my body language, and my timing. If I come in hot, frustrated, and loud, I’m throwing fire. My partner, naturally feeling attacked or disrespected, throws gasoline on that fire. They escalate it, I escalate it back, and suddenly we aren't arguing about socks anymore—we're battling to "win."

So, how do we stop this cycle and save our sanity? Here are a few things I’ve learned that can transform the way we fight.

1. Watch Your Timing Is the moment you walk in the door really the best time to bring up a grievance? Probably not. Sometimes, simply waiting until the morning when you’re both rested can change the entire trajectory of the conversation.

2. Check Your Tone and Body Language Communication is so much more than words. If you approach your partner with a soft tone and open body language, the message is received completely differently. It’s the difference between an attack and a request.

3. Pick Your Battles This is a big one. Ask yourself: Is this really worth the fight? I know a couple where the husband does the dishes in a way the wife hates. But she lets it go. Why? because the payoff of not doing the dishes herself is greater than the frustration of how they get done. Don't let the "little foxes" spoil the vineyard.

4. Empathy is Key Try to process the situation through your partner's point of view. When you understand where they are coming from, it’s much harder to stay angry.

Relationships are work, but they are worth it. If you can tweak just one of these things—your timing, your tone, or what you choose to fight about—you’ll find your home becoming a much more peaceful place.

Check out my book combo Stop Squawkin' Stare Talkin' and the Companion workbook for more on communication for couples. Get it here