Why You Can't Fix Your Partner (And What to Do Instead)

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you didn't get married just to get divorced. You didn't enter a long-term relationship or move in with your partner expecting it to crash and burn. We are all hardwired for connection, which is exactly why it hurts so deeply when that connection feels like it's breaking.

In this video, I want to talk to you about the reality of relationship dynamics and what you should actually expect from therapy. What's the hard truth I share with couples all the time? You cannot control your partner.

I see people who have been married for 10 or 15 years come in saying, "I don't know who this person is anymore." Life is a roller coaster, and people change. But trying to control that unknown variable—your spouse—is a trap. It often leads to a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" cycle of dysfunction.

The One Variable You Can Control

So, if you can’t fix them, what can you do? You can change yourself.

Real growth happens when you stop pointing fingers and start asking yourself, "How am I contributing to this dynamic?" When you shift your focus inward—becoming more genuine, thoughtful, and communicative—you change the entire environment of the relationship.

I like to use this analogy: Imagine a friend picks me up for work every day in a car. We have a routine. But one day, he decides to pick me up on a motorcycle. That one change on his part forces me to change. I have to wear a helmet, I can't drink my coffee, and I need a backpack. Similarly, when you change your behavior, your partner is forced to respond to you differently.

My Encouragement to You

If you are considering therapy, I want to encourage you to come with an honest heart. Don't come just to "placate" your partner or to get them off your back. That is a waste of your time and money. Instead, be brave enough to own your part. When you take responsibility for your growth, you earn respect and create a space where your partner can grow alongside you.

Hang in there. I know it’s hard, but stronger relationships start with you.