Too Tired for Intimacy? Try This Simple Shift

It’s interesting—when couples come to see me, they almost never list "intimacy" as their top concern. Usually, they talk about communication. But when I look at the questionnaires they fill out, the scores for intimacy are often surprisingly low.

Why the disconnect? I think many couples don't see it as a "problem" per se. They love each other and want to be together, but life gets in the way. They’re busy, they’re stressed, and by the end of the day, they are just plain tired.

If that sounds like you, I want to help you rethink how desire works. (This technique is for healthy couples and not for partners that don't feel emotionally or physically safe)

Flipping the Script on Desire

The "Human Sexual Response Cycle" usually goes in this order:

1. Desire (thoughts and fantasies)

2. Arousal (touch and connection)

3. Orgasm & Resolution

In a perfect world, we spend the day thinking about our partner, so when we get home, we are ready to go. But let’s be real—that doesn't always happen.

Here is the secret: You can switch the order of Desire and Arousal.

Let's say your partner reaches out—maybe gives you a back rub—signaling they want to be intimate. Your immediate reaction might be, "No, I'm too tired." That rejection hurts them, and over time, it can create a distance that lasts weeks or months.

Instead, I challenge you to sit with that initial feeling of "I'm too tired." Don't say no immediately. Just be comfortable with the touch for a moment. Give your brain and body a chance to remember, "Oh wait, I actually like this. I like being close to my partner."

Why It's Worth It

By letting Arousal (touch) come before Desire, you allow your body to catch up. Sure, you might lose 20 or 30 minutes of sleep, but the quality of the sleep you do get will be so much better thanks to those endorphins. Plus, you get that vital connection time and pillow talk.

So next time you feel too tired, pause. Relax into the moment. You might be surprised at how quickly the desire follows.